“You always hurt the one you love, the one you should not hurt at all;
You always take the sweetest rose, and crush it till the petals fall;
You always break the kindest heart, with a hasty word you can’t recall;
So if I broke your heart last night, it’s because I love you most of all.” (Mills Brothers)
“Love of my life, you hurt me, You broken my heart, now you leave me.” (Queen)
Love, which is such a noble attitude, often involves seemingly paradoxical behavior when we hurt the one we love. How can we explain such negative conduct toward someone who we love so much?
In this regard, we can distinguish three different behavior patterns:
(a) Hurting the one who loves you
(b) Unintentionally hurting the one you love
(c) Intentionally hurting the one you love.
The phenomenon of hurting the one who loves you, which is different from hurting the one we love is common. Profound love involves reciprocity, the lack of which is painful. For both sexes, mutual attraction is the most highly valued characteristic in a potential mate. The lover wants to be loved in return. The lover is ready to be committed, but expects to find similar commitment in the beloved’s attitude. A lack of reciprocity-that is, the knowledge that the one you love does not love you-is painful and humiliating, because it is a profound blow to your self-esteem. Unrequited love is painful and this pain can drive you to hurt the one you love.
Some people hurt the one they love unintentionally, while others do so intentionally. The first behavior pattern is easier to explain.
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There are many cases in which lovers are likely to hurt their beloved without intending to do so. Love is a close and intense relationship. Lovers spend considerable time together, and many activities of each have significant implications for the other person. Naturally in such circumstances, the lover may unwillingly hurt the beloved. For instance, one may devote a lot of time to work, thereby neglecting, and unwillingly hurting, one’s beloved. In many cases a by-product of an enjoyable activity to one person is an unpleasant situation for another. The more time two people spend together, the greater the likelihood of such situations. The great significance in our life of those we love is that these people are both a source of great happiness and deep sadness; they may benefit us as well as hurt us.