Every man who landed on this article knows why he’s here. He isn’t here to read a woman’s point of view on dating. He isn’t here to inform himself about what goes on in the mind of the opposite sex (men are convinced they have that one figured out, how wrong can they be?). And, he isn’t here because his girlfriend e-mailed him this article.
Every man who is here, is here because he wants to read about the single thing all men have in common: their love of lying. Chances are, the men who are here are looking for anything that will validate their favorite pastime. Validation means they have an excuse to keep doing it.
When I mean lying, I don’t only mean lying to other women. Men will lie to each other with impunity about anything and everything under the sun, from the number of women he has slept with and his “alleged” size, to how much he bench presses at the gym.
Let’s put the theory on the table. Men love to lie, but they are absolutely horrible at it. Women rarely lie, but when they do, it’s a story so good that it could be the basis for 100 episodes of a Spanish soap opera.
You see, men who date have to lie. Part of the reason is that women force men to lie. An attractive woman comes down the street, and a man better say she’s ugly and full of cellulite, or face the wrath of the dreaded Gucci handbag on the head.
Your woman put on a few extra pounds, you better say that she’s in the best shape of her life, or else buying that handy bottle of hand lotion is as exciting as your love life is going to be for the next few weeks.
But beyond the faults women might have, men don’t always have to lie. Yet they do as instinctively as they grab their privates on an hourly basis. Lies just shoot out of men’s mouths with the ferocity of a machine gun.
These lies are often at the tip of their tongues, ready for any situation, and often so full of holes that they make Swiss cheese look like a water dam.
…pants on fire
Case in point: a girlfriend of mine came home earlier than usual to find her boyfriend in his underwear, with used condoms on the floor. Before she even had time to ask what was going on, the internal alarm inside of her boyfriend’s head had concocted a story and spat it out.
His is a classic. He basically said that he was masturbating and decided to put on a condom so he can have anal sex with himself.
Beyond the mere physical impossibility of such a disgusting event even happening, why did he even leave the condoms around?
Laziness? Probably — men are lazier than their Lazy-Boy chairs. More likely though, he figured the effort necessary to lie would be less than getting up from the couch, picking up the used condoms and putting them in the trash.
That’s quite a bit of work when all you have to do is say you just became intimately acquainted with your “inner” self.
It’s not entirely men’s faults. They are raised to lie from the moment they are born. Protect your family and lie about bad things; lie about how you really wanted to cry during Forrest Gump ; lie about your age so you can buy the cheapest wine the 7-11 has to offer.
lying for a living
Is it a coincidence that men hold the majority of jobs that involve lying? Politics, government agencies, courtroom lawyers, plastic surgeons, psychiatrists — who calls the shots?
Not that all men lie, of course not. But from experience (and 99% of women will back me up on this), the only men who don’t lie are those devoted to their religion, gay, or have had their tongue removed.
Now let’s turn the tables. Men lie often, but most times these are harmless lies that are said to protect their ego more than anything. Women have ulterior motives.
Women hate lying. But unlike men, when they have to, they carefully craft a maze of stories, alibis and twists & turns that makes a Stanley Kubrick movie look like a children’s TV show.
If men were a little smarter, they would figure out when a woman is lying. Here are some clues to let you know when a woman is spinning a wicked web (hint, hint, it’s learning time )
lies and alibis
Clue No. 1
The Unnecessary Phone Call
She calls you unexpectedly requesting as much information about your whereabouts and what your future schedule is for the rest of the day.
Will she sound suspicious?
Not really, she’ll smoothen out all her answers with what she will do to you tomorrow .
What is she really trying to do?
She’s trying to gage how much of an alibi she needs and where you were during the day to prevent you from bluffing later about knowing her whereabouts.
Clue No. 2
She does something out of the ordinary, and when you ask her about it, she turns it around and makes it a question about trust, and how you have no right to question her.
What is she really doing?
Rather conveniently, she has put the thing men dread on the table; the talk about “feelings”. There is no better way to divert suspicion than to get a man into a tête-à-tête about trust.
He won’t ask another question, and she just got away with going out to lunch with that cute Italian guy.
Clue No. 3
The Affection Level Is Too High
Is there anything more suspicious than when a woman suddenly starts kissing you like you were Bob Barker from The Price Is Right ?
What’s going on?
The beginning of a cover-up that rivals JFK’s assassination.
What did she do wrong?
Something very, very bad. Or she’s pregnant.
Clue No. 4
What look? The look that she’s mad — very deeply mad. The type of mad that reads “I am justified in everything I just lied/or will lie about.” This is a variation of Clue 2.
What’s the tactic?
Men cannot deal with women that are mad. Any clues about the lie or screw-ups can be blamed on anger, emotions and hurt. Talk about an alibi.
Are men helpless?
take this lying down
Women hate lying, they do it only out of necessity. Men love it; it gives them validation to their illusions of grandeur. Women do it like professionals; men do it with amateurish results.
Will anything change? No. Will men ever lie like women? No, too much work. Should you take any part of this article seriously? No, you should take it as an insight into the minds of women, and read it with a wink. A little light and fun reading never hurt anyone.